Crack…

So something happened… and I feel crack inside of me… through which perhaps a ray of reality may come in…

Our project manager, a girl roughly your age, last week – while our boss was on holidays, held a team meeting in which she spoke very negatively to and about us, for no reason at all but to impose some kind of ‘power’ through negative reinforcement.

I never liked bullies, and was genuinely surprised to see this coming from her.

I told you this and voila, you took ‘her side’, saying you would do the same cause people are lazy bastards.

really? Wow.

I do not need this in my life. Seriously, if I work hard and love what I do, I do not need a bully to spoil it for me, and I am little angry on myself that I did not react then and there, cause I was I suppose shocked by what came out of her mouth.

If it ever happens again, and chances are it will, I will surely not be the one to stay silent.

Anyway, if you would do the same, it may mean only that you are a bully too, in some part of you.

And you know what?

i have no respect whatsoever for bullies. For me they are the worst of the worst.

I have been a project manager and team leader for 7 years while I was working as an architect. I would never allow myself such behaviour, and if I think someone in a team does not work well I would address that person directly, not over the shoulders of others who did not deserve that at all.

 

So now, I really feel like this is the first time in almost a year, where I feel somewhat repelled by you. Which may be a good thing?

I don’t know.

Time will tell.

In a meanwhile I will research to find out how to address this what happened – with her, and possibly with our boss who returned few days ago. Cause for sure, that was way out of line.

ILU?

so I told you I love you…

in the midst of our first fight..

just freakin’ awesome..

couldn’t I chose any better moment? No?

Just could not hold it in me anymore I suppose..

i made it as not a big deal, continued fighting right after…

till you called it truce.. till you said it physically hurt you.. to continue fighting..

what the hell just happened?

Help

So.. I am in love with you… Oh how much I hate to acknowledge this, to admit this, but .. no point denying it anymore, cause I cannot deny it, I feel it in every cell of my body and mind and heart..

I did not want this to happen.. I wanted to stay cool, to play cool, to not get really involved, to not crave for you, to be able to stand apart without missing you for a moment, and look, oh just look where it lead me..

And I do not want anything more than to escape this, to escape these feelings, and sadness that comes with it… this mixture of suffering and joy, of love and despair, of craving and knowing you can never be mine.. the way I wish you to be now..

You are hers, and she is yours, and that is the end of this story. What the hell I just let happen?

Why on earth did I not prevent this..

Why are you so good to me, every look at me, every notion, every little gesture, just hits me where I am vulnerable… and you get another piece of my heart…

I think you have it all at this stage.. and I want it back.. will you please just give it back to me? Why can’t you? Why you say you do not want to? That your logic is saying one thing but your feelings another? and that you are lost…

Are we both lost?

You do not seem to be lost, if I may be honest.. It seems this is easy for you… You have it both ways, I have it none it looks like.. I shouldn’t have it any way anyways..

Can you just leave me alone? Can we just go back to being friends and colleagues, and then, then there will be peace in my heart again.. Peace in my heart and in my soul…

Just stay from that side of the line please.. Do not cross it anymore, every time you want to touch me and hug me and kiss me and caressĀ  me, cause I cannot say no to you, I take it every single time and then I crave for more of it..

Fck, what did I do to myself….

 

 

It is just burning inside now… in my eyes, in my veins, in my stomach, everywhere..

We love each other even with our feet, it has to suffice, when we touch each other underneath our desks, on that little hammock I got us… and you love it now.. Then you move along my leg and give me shivers all over, and I so wish we could be alone…

and you say .. if we would have a room where we could just enter and disappear

and I tell you yeah.. to have only one bed and a shower inside..

and you say perfect.. even if there is shower only...

Oh god..

How perfect would that be…

..

You had a dream with me last night you said… even you hardly ever dream or even less remember your dreams.. you knew this was gorgeous.. as if.. I went down on you.. in that dream… and you wonder why would you have such a dream… ha..

..

We hurt each other a little today.. then spent a morning talking on slack.. and almost had no work done..

But I think the hurt comes from inability to be together the way we would like to and want to .. the way we cannot and should not…

 

Today

So today I will see you again…

In a meanwhile you texted, and even if you did not i was feeling you all over and inside of my soul…

Last night was very difficult to sleep.. I was waking up, and thoughts of you were all around me, my heart was beating fast and I had to remind myself to breathe…

I was getting up, going out to the balcony and looking across the bay and this city towards the mountains that are hiding your little home…

Then I’d try to go back to sleep to no avail… for hours…

I can feel you feel the same…

I wonder how to stop going towards you and hugging you and kissing you all over the moment I see you..

How will I ‘hate’ the fact of other people around us, fck, how I’d wish they all just disappear for an hour or even few minutes…

You awakened me again.. this dragon inside, with the heart of fire, that is burning beautifully and powerfully…

I am thinking of her.. How young and beautiful she is, and innocent and great… if she would not be that you would not chose her to be your wife, wouldn’t you… She gave you a child, that gorgeous little daughter of yours that you love to the bottom of your heart..

I wish these thoughts help me… or help me not to feel this what I feel towards you… I am having imaginary conversations with her, trying to explain that I fell for the same man she did, so how could she blame me..

But I presume I know what she would say, or how would she feel if she knew…

Even if she would ‘forgive’ me, would she be able to or even should she, forgive you.., cause you didn’t share this with her…

You call yourself ‘conservative’, but you are actually not, you are much more similar to me, as you are obviously capable of loving two women at the same time…

 

So we f… .. again…

Stayed later last night to finish the project..
I swear to God, I had erased you from my system by now.. and I was okay with it..
And then, you just came behind me..

I cannot believe how good you felt inside me..
I have been frozen last time but … omg..

I almost forgot you.. I told you..
You are perfect.. I told you..
You said you are a bad boy..

No, you are perfect.. just perfect..
I met some bad people .. in my time.. you re not one of them..

and your lips.. and kisses.. can we kiss forever?.. and hug?.. just hug and not move at all.. and my nipples were so aroused by your tongue, I thought I’d scream …

It was not easy when I was trying to forget you.. cause I have these feelings for you.. I told you..
me too.. you said..
If it would not be like that wed be like psychopaths or something, you smiled…

I think that was one of rare times you expressed anything in relation to your feelings towards me.. once, when you said I have captured your heart.. and this time, when you said you have feelings for me..

but it is impossible, I told you, you are married, you two just bought the house together, what could I possibly be to you.. or ask from you.. or expect from you… I have no right, and I know it...

I love the moment in which you stopped while inside me, and looked at me and kissed me.. before you started moving again… Oh God.. why could I live in that one moment forever…………….

My Dear..

So this is your newest idea..

that we both take a day off.. and then meet.. half day, or full day is better, you said..

so that we may spend some time together…

that you were not sure how I would feel about it.. but I said maybe, and you were happy I did not say no..

why couldn’t I say ‘no’ to you?

Then you are texting me for hours and describing thoughts in your head, and your energy is running through me.. so much that I can almost feel it..

but I still have time to change my mind..

I gave it a week, or even more, if this would come true, cause I need time to think…

do I really want your lips on mine, do I really want your hands on my hips, do I really want to let you untie me, as you want..

I am not sure…. not sure…

 

Acid

of days without you.. waiting for Monday, or Tuesday or whichever day it is, to see your beautiful face, and hear your voice and your laugh..

Knowing, we can only be ‘best friends forever’…

so you offering to visit me.. again? .. what was that about, my friend

to make my heart skip a beat.. to become unable to get you out of my head – again? just when I thought, I did get you out of it..

You see, I have to study, I have to work on these projects, and seems that I can’t, as my mind is just.. not here..

but on the other side of the city, wondering where you are, how you are, what you are doing now, are you happy, are you with her, are you two happy, do you think of me… as much as I do of you…

Cause I love you… but that was never a problem………..

 

The strange bird called ‘Love’…

That strange, strange little bird.. called .. Love..

It comes and goes, and brings me down then up then I think I destroyed her then I find her right inside the core of my heart again.. each time a little different, a little deeper, wider, with little more understanding, more space, expanding..

Then it throws me into the depths of hell again..

and I scream and cry and pray to leave me alone even if empty just not to feel it

Then I let go… finally finding that my peace is more important than anything else, that there is more to life than yearning…

And I feel free, and relieved,

and just at that moment you are back where you were,

and that thing, that bird, I hear its little squeaks as if from far away.. and I am afraid to let it back, but it follows me and does not let me go..

As long as I am free I will be fine, I say t myself, I never wish to go back to that place where I need you and you are right here but not for me, never again I say,

while you are circling around me like the hunter around its prey, as you feel..

that I might escape you,

and you.. you do not like to be.. rejected…

So tonight.. we are gathering again, will be watching the Simpsons, after barbeque, and we have drinks, and games and all of the stuff for fun,

an all I think is you, and only God knows how much I wish I do not…

 

Stay still, my heart…

So finally there came these days in which I am glad not to see you, because I am not disturbed by you then, and the peace and joy of life I feel is strong and liberating..

When you are here you capture all my thoughts and I feel as if I am suffocating, there is not enough oxygen coming from you, regardless your pledges to love, words how you are crazy about me and all of that jazz..

Words.. I never liked them..

Long time ago a wise man I met told me, do not listen to ones who say I love you, rather look for what they are doing for you..

I cannot say how valuable this is… it sounds so simple, and it is so true…

Words with no action, I told you, action of affection, made a joke about it, not sure you got it… but I will tell you again. If need be…