I stopped it

..as I promissed myself I would.

Told you it is over and that I am out.

Not sure what I achieved and what was that I wanted to achieve.

I suppose I have achieved something: that my energy is freed from you, even it is still entagled in thoughts around you.. in trying to make some sense out of everything that I have participated in..

 

..my heart is broken and in pieces.. I am aware of that.. i am also aware since we work together there is no way to avoid seeing you.. which is complicating all of this..

and how can I ignore you and how can I rebuild my broken dignity..

 

Getting over..

you is so not easy..

So I am doing what I can, and I opened to other man in my life.. and let them come closer to me..

In two days will go on a date.. with someone who seems good enough.. even I am so painfully aware, he is NOT you.

No one is you.. and there is no other like YOU.

Am I doing wrong towards this person.. I know all I will see in my mind is you, your eyes, your hands, your kisses, your touches..

 

But I have to.. I have to try your method, that when you go home to your woman, it helps not to think of me..

I hope this helps me too..

 

I don’t want to admit I miss you like crazy.. your 2 weeks holiday is far way too long….

Slowing down..

I think.. or feel.. something is slowing down in me..

We were so busy at work last few weeks.. and maybe not just cause I am exhausted.. but something calmed down.. the need for you.. is not as strong anymore..

And I consider it good.. as it should be..

to release me, to be free again..

Confusion

Tags

without one..

Just, how you handled it, hurt me.

I want you out of my system for a while. but here you are. I wake up and you are all over my veins.. and my brain..

how to take you out of there?

I am trying this by typing these words here. Hoping something will click and I will be free, free form you.

 

But if I look into myself, all I see is how every single cell in my body is crying for you.. for a hug, or a kiss, or anything.

A sweet word, a smile, a confirmation that we are not over. or that we will not be over.

When my rational part knows we never even were.

Cause I obviously want more. But it will never going to be happening.

Still…

still, some kind of love prevailed..

I browsed the internet on topic of how to handle a bully boss… And while doing that I realized, I do not want to go through this confrontation in this instance.. I do not have to,  so may as well spare me this time..

But will know better for next time, and may be ready to do it while it is happening..

I presume it will come up again at some point, so why waste my energy now when it is already over ten days after the incident…

I won’t.

and as of you…

yes, my feelings somewhat changed, but I think that is good for me.

 

Crack…

So something happened… and I feel crack inside of me… through which perhaps a ray of reality may come in…

Our project manager, a girl roughly your age, last week – while our boss was on holidays, held a team meeting in which she spoke very negatively to and about us, for no reason at all but to impose some kind of ‘power’ through negative reinforcement.

I never liked bullies, and was genuinely surprised to see this coming from her.

I told you this and voila, you took ‘her side’, saying you would do the same cause people are lazy bastards.

really? Wow.

I do not need this in my life. Seriously, if I work hard and love what I do, I do not need a bully to spoil it for me, and I am little angry on myself that I did not react then and there, cause I was I suppose shocked by what came out of her mouth.

If it ever happens again, and chances are it will, I will surely not be the one to stay silent.

Anyway, if you would do the same, it may mean only that you are a bully too, in some part of you.

And you know what?

i have no respect whatsoever for bullies. For me they are the worst of the worst.

I have been a project manager and team leader for 7 years while I was working as an architect. I would never allow myself such behaviour, and if I think someone in a team does not work well I would address that person directly, not over the shoulders of others who did not deserve that at all.

 

So now, I really feel like this is the first time in almost a year, where I feel somewhat repelled by you. Which may be a good thing?

I don’t know.

Time will tell.

In a meanwhile I will research to find out how to address this what happened – with her, and possibly with our boss who returned few days ago. Cause for sure, that was way out of line.

ILU?

so I told you I love you…

in the midst of our first fight..

just freakin’ awesome..

couldn’t I chose any better moment? No?

Just could not hold it in me anymore I suppose..

i made it as not a big deal, continued fighting right after…

till you called it truce.. till you said it physically hurt you.. to continue fighting..

what the hell just happened?