Back again

So yes.. a year later and you are back into my life… more than ever.. How did I not even notice and why did I let you..

I had a major surgery 5 months ago and my recovery was very slow so I was working for home a while..

Did you miss me? Did my absence awake something in you so you realised I mean to you more than you were previously showing..

But you started behaving differently towards me.. behaving with care, with love, showing it with little things, with words, with deeds..

On 6th July we had that BBQ day and you managed to arrange company to send a taxi for me so I could be there.. and then that day you were there for me all the time.. we played together and we laid on the grass not even noticing when everybody left.. and then while you were waiting for my taxi to arrive you.. kissed me…

Then perhaps a month later you came around my part of the city and you dropped in though you were in a rush… saying, you said you will so you did, was this saying you understood and became aware of your broken promises to me and that I had zero tolerance to bs.

 

I don’t know.

I know also that last year when you were promising me to come and be with me you were with her making babies, and you two have a little son now.. coincidentally two weeks ago i was leaving work and you three were packing in the car in front of the building. and by excuse to see the little one I looked at her, ad she, … she is gorgeous.. I liked her… I felt how stable she is, how solid person she is, she must be your rock and obviously is, but then in days to come, you were around me all the time..

Coming to my desk, coming to kitchen for a cup of tea with me, walking behind me up the stairs and sighing overmy legs or bootie or whatever, touching me purposely or ‘accidentally’ while passing nearby, kissing me again, caressing my legs under the table, what is this my love, whom I should not love at all…

Where did this come from? And why I opened my heart for you again?

Oh my god..

I so wish what you said you did last night, touching me there and sending all those streams of pleasure all over my body.. It is so hard not to let a sound from my lips cause we are never alone in there, while you are sitting just there, touching me everywhere, behind the screens of my computer in the corner.

Not to wear underwear crossed my mind, for the first time in my entire life.. just to make it easier for you.. Im sure id have an orgasm in no time if Id allow you that, you kissed me on my lips too, your eyes were spakling and shiny and I wished you’d just take me then and there, if we could..

But we have nowehere to go

I stopped it

..as I promissed myself I would.

Told you it is over and that I am out.

Not sure what I achieved and what was that I wanted to achieve.

I suppose I have achieved something: that my energy is freed from you, even it is still entagled in thoughts around you.. in trying to make some sense out of everything that I have participated in..

 

..my heart is broken and in pieces.. I am aware of that.. i am also aware since we work together there is no way to avoid seeing you.. which is complicating all of this..

and how can I ignore you and how can I rebuild my broken dignity..

 

Getting over..

you is so not easy..

So I am doing what I can, and I opened to other man in my life.. and let them come closer to me..

In two days will go on a date.. with someone who seems good enough.. even I am so painfully aware, he is NOT you.

No one is you.. and there is no other like YOU.

Am I doing wrong towards this person.. I know all I will see in my mind is you, your eyes, your hands, your kisses, your touches..

 

But I have to.. I have to try your method, that when you go home to your woman, it helps not to think of me..

I hope this helps me too..

 

I don’t want to admit I miss you like crazy.. your 2 weeks holiday is far way too long….

Slowing down..

I think.. or feel.. something is slowing down in me..

We were so busy at work last few weeks.. and maybe not just cause I am exhausted.. but something calmed down.. the need for you.. is not as strong anymore..

And I consider it good.. as it should be..

to release me, to be free again..

Confusion

Tags

without one..

Just, how you handled it, hurt me.

I want you out of my system for a while. but here you are. I wake up and you are all over my veins.. and my brain..

how to take you out of there?

I am trying this by typing these words here. Hoping something will click and I will be free, free form you.

 

But if I look into myself, all I see is how every single cell in my body is crying for you.. for a hug, or a kiss, or anything.

A sweet word, a smile, a confirmation that we are not over. or that we will not be over.

When my rational part knows we never even were.

Cause I obviously want more. But it will never going to be happening.

Still…

still, some kind of love prevailed..

I browsed the internet on topic of how to handle a bully boss… And while doing that I realized, I do not want to go through this confrontation in this instance.. I do not have to,  so may as well spare me this time..

But will know better for next time, and may be ready to do it while it is happening..

I presume it will come up again at some point, so why waste my energy now when it is already over ten days after the incident…

I won’t.

and as of you…

yes, my feelings somewhat changed, but I think that is good for me.